To the younger me.

How many versions of this post have gone up around the internet? How many wise and profound insights offered from those who look backwards?

I think about it too. How I would have handled things differently if I’d known then what I know now?

Let me explain:

Years ago (20ish) I doubted that I was incapable of real romantic connection. I felt like I was a block of ice inside. I craved companionship from both boys and girls, deep connection and friendship. But if someone approached me looking for romance, I always rejected them.

I just couldn’t make myself love romantically. And I tried so hard. I felt it was unfair of me to develop deep friendship bonds without “following through” so I tried... I would date... and then lay awake at night, crying and begging God to make me feel something, anything, other than revulsion at the thought of a romantic touch. But the harder I tried, the stronger my sense of revulsion and resentment at the prospect of even a kiss.

The result? Broken hearts. I hurt others, wounded by what must have felt like careless rejection. But I was hurt too. I wanted a circle of friends, a feeling of safety and family. I didn’t know why I couldn’t engage in romance, I didn’t even understand the problem. Gradually, this tendency of mine to hurt the boys around me isolated me. People I had hoped to hold as close friends for life no longer seemed interested in spending time with me.

Ah. 20...ish.

I feel a little embarrassed even mentioning it: such a crazy confusing time! My story is mine, but it’s not unique. When we are that young, everybody has so much to learn and everyone makes stupid mistakes. As we grow older there is a great temptation to indulge in “turning back the clock” fantasies. I suppose if I knew then what I know now...

I would be able to communicate my needs with clarity and compassion. I would tell those around me that my parents were going through a wrenching separation. I would be able to explain that at that time in my life, I needed support, love and friendship, but I was incapable of anything more. And do I believe that with understanding, the good people around me could have loved me for who and what I was.

But at the time, they didn’t know, because I didn’t understand. I couldn’t express it. It took years for me to figure it out.

So what would my advice to my younger self be?

Nothing. Nothing at all.

The point is: Instead of criticizing that young girl, I looked into the mirror today and remembered:

That life is complicated: it’s hard and messy. And we all screw up. As a matter of fact, despite my best intentions, I will make more mistakes… and I can expect others to do the same. We are all simply doing as we ought: being human.

And that’s okay.

I told myself to forgive; to be kind, compassionate, slow to judge and patient.

I told myself to that the human heart is like a big ball of knotted yarn: it takes years to unravel the tangles,

and until glory come, the work is never done.


And my love life?

That worked out just fine. :)