The Gift of Uncertainty

Perhaps the future is malleable, but not by me. I’ve tried.

I love the big calendar on my fridge, scribbling down family events months in advance. We will do this, we will go here. I listen to the weather report every morning, and check Google for the best route to get the kids to school. I keep a close eye on the housing market and run the numbers through my head: always trying to trying to know, to control.

A few weeks ago my husband’s career became uncertain. We may or may not have to move sooner... or later. Perhaps his position at work will change... or it may not.

People who know the situation ask me ‘what will you do? where will you go?’. I’m at the point where all I can do is laugh. I have no idea. It’s a problem that no amount of planning can solve... and we’ve tried.

I don’t know what the future holds for our family, there’s no 10, 5 or even 1 year plan. Instead, I thank God for the warmth of our home and the love of family. For today. Any illusion of control over the future is gone.

And to my surprise, I have discovered uncertainty is a gift. I don’t know what will happen tomorrow but I know that today the sun is shining and the house smells of gingerbread.

And I am content.

Credit:http://maxpixel.freegreatpicture.com/

These Boots

It was a beautiful fall day. You know the kind: where the air tastes sweet with sun-baked pine and the wind turns the fallen leaves in orange eddies around your ankles.

I was walking. Nowhere special. I remember concrete and traffic. A strip mall, Value Village and a greasy brown bag full of hot samosas.

But despite the ordinary, the day was bright and clear. My heart swelled with joy. I played with my steps, skipping over the cracks and I thought:

Life is worth living for the feel of pavement beneath my boots.

Years turned, seasons changed. It’s so easy to forget a single moment of pleasure.

Two months ago I had a stomach ache. I ended up in emergency with severe internal bleeding. I'd been taking ibprophin to reduce swelling in my knees whenever I ran, and it had eaten a hole through my small intestine.

That was August. Now it is November. I’m still recovering, but my doctor has just cleared me to start some light exersice again.

I can't run fast. I can run far. My knees swell and ache. I take it slow and understand I won't be running a marathon anytime soon.

But it is fall and the air is sweet.

And today I remembered that moment.

That it’s not about how far, how high or how fast, but rather the pleasure of 

one happy step after another 

on a crisp and clear fall day.

:)

To the younger me.

How many versions of this post have gone up around the internet? How many wise and profound insights offered from those who look backwards?

I think about it too. How I would have handled things differently if I’d known then what I know now?

Let me explain:

Years ago (20ish) I doubted that I was incapable of real romantic connection. I felt like I was a block of ice inside. I craved companionship from both boys and girls, deep connection and friendship. But if someone approached me looking for romance, I always rejected them.

I just couldn’t make myself love romantically. And I tried so hard. I felt it was unfair of me to develop deep friendship bonds without “following through” so I tried... I would date... and then lay awake at night, crying and begging God to make me feel something, anything, other than revulsion at the thought of a romantic touch. But the harder I tried, the stronger my sense of revulsion and resentment at the prospect of even a kiss.

The result? Broken hearts. I hurt others, wounded by what must have felt like careless rejection. But I was hurt too. I wanted a circle of friends, a feeling of safety and family. I didn’t know why I couldn’t engage in romance, I didn’t even understand the problem. Gradually, this tendency of mine to hurt the boys around me isolated me. People I had hoped to hold as close friends for life no longer seemed interested in spending time with me.

Ah. 20...ish.

I feel a little embarrassed even mentioning it: such a crazy confusing time! My story is mine, but it’s not unique. When we are that young, everybody has so much to learn and everyone makes stupid mistakes. As we grow older there is a great temptation to indulge in “turning back the clock” fantasies. I suppose if I knew then what I know now...

I would be able to communicate my needs with clarity and compassion. I would tell those around me that my parents were going through a wrenching separation. I would be able to explain that at that time in my life, I needed support, love and friendship, but I was incapable of anything more. And do I believe that with understanding, the good people around me could have loved me for who and what I was.

But at the time, they didn’t know, because I didn’t understand. I couldn’t express it. It took years for me to figure it out.

So what would my advice to my younger self be?

Nothing. Nothing at all.

The point is: Instead of criticizing that young girl, I looked into the mirror today and remembered:

That life is complicated: it’s hard and messy. And we all screw up. As a matter of fact, despite my best intentions, I will make more mistakes… and I can expect others to do the same. We are all simply doing as we ought: being human.

And that’s okay.

I told myself to forgive; to be kind, compassionate, slow to judge and patient.

I told myself to that the human heart is like a big ball of knotted yarn: it takes years to unravel the tangles,

and until glory come, the work is never done.


And my love life?

That worked out just fine. :)

Throwback Thursday: Writer’s Way

To give myself a brain break between working on another novel, I’ve decided to spend one day a week posting parts of a revamped fantasy I wrote years ago. Every Thursday I’ll be posting bite-sized morsels of my story on an app called WattPad... something you can read on your phone while waiting in the coffee line-up.

Children of Promise: Into the Wood

The evil spirit known as Dragon has once again bonded with a man. In exchange for power, mercenary Gen Dronin makes a pact with the Dragon to share his flesh, confident that he can control the beast within. But the Dragon is hungry. Can Gen redeem his flesh and save his soul, or will the Dragon win and at last sate his hunger on a world of ash?

Interested?

Click here. :) https://my.w.tt/OzgxZfFXuR