My core has always been built on one thing- my love for Jesus and His love for me. I've always felt that every sinew, bone, every nerve ending and brain cell in my body was knit together with meaning, with purpose. Nothing can shake you when you have a core like that. Words don't cut. A sense of such great purpose banishes fear. After all, it's not about you at all. To live this life, serving and loving God first, with assurance of a perfect homecoming is a source of great peace.
Heh. And then I fell in love with a human man. Truly madly deeply. And I still am. I'm knit to him heart and soul. As a new bride I whispered my secret to Jesus in the dark: that while I still loved Jesus the same... I mean tried to love him... and if push really came to shove I was sure I'd choose Jesus in the end. I could no longer truthfully say that he was first in my heart.
By word, deed and action, I loved Jason more.
I wasn't too hard on myself. I knew that God would give me grace for this time. I also knew that God made marriage and love, and I hoped that in time I could find a little balance.
But there is a problem when your center shifts like that. The things Jason said and did started to matter too much. A careless word could cut me all too easily. I felt desperate for his approval. I tried to dress and talk to please him and I was never sure it was enough. I wanted to be the perfect wife in every way. For the first time in my life I started to worry over parts of my body I'd loved before. I was always trying to do it better, to be better. I even started to feel responsible for Jason's mood. If he was grumpy or short tempered, it was my responsibility to fix it.
Jason is a loving and kind husband, who adores me and serves me with everything he has. It really wasn't his fault. I'm sure he felt just as confused by the whole thing as I did. What's more, the harder I tried, the further I walked away from the person he first fell in love with.
Transformation started when Jason had to leave me and the two girls alone for six months to do some career retraining. I had to be the strong, capable and opinionated woman I know I am. I had to survive, and Jason depended on me to keep our family together and our life running, and to do it well.
With some help, from God, friends and family, I did.
I also started some counseling when Jason came back. It wasn't specifically for this issue but everything in our lives really is a big messy knot isn't it? It's all connected. Besides, I'm pretty sure any parent on this world who lives off of 4ish hours of sleep a night with two kids under three probably is close to some sort of psychosis. Get help. I mean it. :P
Anyways... the real turning point came about a month ago. I was going through a box of keepsakes and I found a letter Jason had written to me while we were engaged. He wrote how he wanted to encourage me because he knew how unsure of things I could be. He also wrote about how he loved the way I listened to God's voice. He loved me for the passion I had and the love I had for God.
You know the difference between understanding something with your head and with your heart? I knew that me being madly in love with Jesus would only deepen the love in a marriage built upon that cornerstone. But reading that note, the knowledge sunk into my heart.
Seven years of marriage and yes, life is different now. We drive a SUV and have traded long boarding on summer nights for a bag of wine gums and a few episodes of BBC's 'Merlin' before we tuck in. Our love has changed from the brightness of popping sparks to the warm glow of an established coal bed. We are deep and steady.
And something else has changed.
My center, my core has shifted once again. I'm coming home to a place where God is my first love. I rise in the morning and seek time with Him. My feet are coming to rest on true solid ground again. His word is the only one that has the last say and He says He loves me. He says that I am crafted from head to toe, from heart to mind with exacting intention, purpose and destiny.
As are you.
With love,
Charity
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