Sometime halfway through November, I realized I was drinking more than I wanted to. Savouring an occasional glass of wine had turned into drinking nearly an entire bottle to feel the same sort of heady buzz. My alcohol tolerance had gone way up, and my standards for the type of wine I was willing to consume had gone way down. I could also see that my need for wine to relax at night and the hangovers I had in the morning were encroaching on the quality of time I could give to my family.
I tried cutting back on my own, but a few slip-ups left me frustrated and regretful. I journaled, I struggled; finally, I reached out. I found accountability vital to weaning me off alcohol, but it's also the most challenging part. There is such a stigma around admitting that you are regularly consuming more alcohol than you should. It's a shameful and taboo subject.
I find this attitude a little strange. I mean, a large majority of us drink regularly in some form or another, so it follows that many of us also find ourselves somewhere on the slippery slope of addiction to alcohol. The biggest revelation that I've had in the last month is that the saying "alcohol and drugs" is wrong. Alcohol is a drug. Full stop.
Now, I know this blog is supposed to be about creativity, but for me, the practice of living a creative life includes mental and physical wholeness. My love for good wine was out of balance; to live a full and creative life, I need to regain control.
Many of my thoughts around this subject are inspired by the book "The Naked Mind" by Anne Grace. Like me, if you want to, at least, moderate your drinking, I highly recommend her work. I find it especially effective as an audiobook.
Nicotine is a drug; caffeine is a drug. Our bodies naturally build tolerances to these substances, and we need to consume more to have the same desired effect. We also develop dependencies on these drugs, making it hard and painful to stop using them even when the drug no longer gives us the buzz we initially felt, even though we now consume our drug of choice simply to feel normal.
Alcohol is a drug. There's no clear line between "them"(alcoholics) and us. We're all consuming the same substance, and we're all on the same path. If you drink regularly, it's pretty much inevitable that you will someday develop a dependence on the drug called alcohol and encounter its harmful side effects. As so many of us drink, I'm writing this blog post because I'm sure many of you have felt the same as I have;
That just maybe, you're drinking too much.
I didn't like what I was doing back in December. The irony is, the wine really flows around the holiday season. In an effort to cut back, I gifted my neighbour with a bottle I'd purchased to drink on Christmas, only to discover a bottle in the gift bag she'd given me in return. But I had some help. I'd connected with a friend who also wanted to take a break from drinking, and the accountability stopped me from pouring a glass with dinner. Instead, I indulged in hot chocolate with foamy cream, mini marshmallows and a dash of cinnamon.
It took me about ten days before I felt the physical cravings for alcohol subside. It was absolutely a battle, and honestly, I threw my calorie diet out the window and used sugar as a substitute to help manage my cravings. It was the holidays and boy, did I eat a lot of chocolate and candy!
Once the physical cravings subsided, the mental ones continued. My mental wish for alcohol forced me to examine what made me want to consume in the first place. We often say that we use alcohol to relax, but now I asked why. Relax from what? And how can I make that stressful situation better rather than reaching for a drug to numb my feelings about it?
For me, this involved a sit-down talk with my two little precious girls. I told them, nicely, that when mom is trying to sear a pot-roast, it is a very bad time to start spin dancing next to the stove and bickering about who gets to build a googly-eyed monster with the last fuzzy pink pipe-cleaner.
Among other things. :)
So yeah, establishing clear boundaries in my life has helped me lessen the number of triggering stressors that gave me the mental urge to reach for a glass of wine.
I remember the first time since choosing to abstain that I felt mentally overwhelmed, and I wanted a glass of wine. I was about to grab the bottle when I thought, 'this is a good time to see what happens without it.' I won't lie, that night was a hard one, but it also forced me to do the work to address the problem I was trying to run from. Wine doesn't solve problems; it just stops you from dealing with them. In the morning, your situation is still there, and you've got a hangover.
So instead of drinking, I choose to deal. :)
And remember that bottle of wine from my neighbour? I still have it. I actually like the fact that I have alcohol available. It means that I could drink wine, but I choose not to.
Another reason that I was drinking was because of physical pain. Typing over a keyboard, crafting, and painting all give me great joy, but they also all put incredible strain on my neck. As a reward for abstaining from wine, I am using that money towards a monthly massage instead. :)
If you are interested in drying out for the short or long term, January is an excellent time to start. Many communities now recognize this first month of the year as 'Dryuary,' giving you a built-in support system towards regaining control. Just google it. :) It's a unique and affirmative movement, and I'm so excited to be participating this year.
However, please consider your level of physical addiction. Going completely cold-turkey on your own may not be safe for you if you have a high level of dependance. That's when your doctor may need to become involved. Be safe, be honest, and know you are not even close to being alone in your struggle!
To be honest, I'm not ready to give up alcohol altogether. I want to be drinking for the right reasons, and I want to be in control of alcohol, not the other way around. Ideally, I'd like to return to the occasional glass of wine on special occasions. Realistically, I know this may not be possible. Physical addiction to a drug changes the structure of our brains. I may find that I now permanently struggle to moderate my intake. It's something to watch out for!
In the meantime, I'm currently in the market for some delicious gourmet hot chocolate. Any ideas?
❤
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