Yes. You are special. (Some needed love to Millennials)

There has been a lot of 'stuff' trending around the web lately about Millennials... until this point, I stayed quiet and took it. Because I honestly didn't know any better. I swallowed the names with shame: 'privileged', 'lazy', the 'me generation'. Our approach to work, to community, to technology, to politics has been attacked and derided. I've felt attacked over and over again because I was raised 'spoiled', with a hyper-inflated belief in my own potential.

It hurt. I withdrew beneath the weight of these words. They seemed right: I did believe that I was something special, I thought that I could make a difference. But the angry and undeserved rhetoric that I've encountered told me that I needed to stay in my place and keep my mouth shut.

These words often spawn from a clash between generations. I've heard the same clash happened when Generation X grew up beneath the Baby Boomers. One generation didn't understand the next and in many cases reacted with messages of distrust and even hate. It's happening again.

But thankfully, for me, there is an intersection of grace. I mentioned the hurt I was feeling and an older woman took it on herself to tell me that the messages that I was hearing from some of those in her generation were wrong: that they were lies/hurtful names disguised as candor, coming from a place of fear, a feeling of loss of control.

And she told me something else. She gave me a beautiful picture of who my generation really is.

We are kind.
We embrace diversity and tolerance more than any other generation before us.
We are engaged.

We are connected.

We love the wisdom of the generations before us, this is reflected in our trends, our fashion and our music. We embrace concepts of simplicity and authenticity.
We are also a generation of innovation and technology. The conscientious blend of these qualities (a love for the past+a vision for the future) is a critical component for a generation that must stand tall to grapple with enormous global issues.


In a very organic way, I believe that millennials have been well equipped for the task. My friend paid us the enormous compliment of saying that the millennial generation is part of nature's answer to a world out of balance.

Still chewing over that one, but it sure didn't hurt to hear.

Millennials are special. Every one of us. We are ready to overcome the messages of criticism and instead, dare to plumb the depths of our imagination and potential.

Thank you to my older friend, and to those Baby Boomers and Generation Xers who choose to love and nurture rather than to try and dismantle us.

As for the ones who hurt...

Its time to loose the hate and embrace hope instead.

LOVING this song today. :)

Perfection is a Defense Mechanism

or at least... trying very hard to be perfect is.

And I do try. What I think is perfect is different from commercialized ideals of perfection. But I do have a standard... an impossibly high one. the more broken I am inside, the more important it seems to be to act and look perfect on the outside.

I've also learned from experience that I can be hard to read, people often miss the nuances of my mood. I just don't make big gestures and I don't speak loudly... I think that for those who have met me but haven't yet figured out how to read me I can come off cool, intimidating, reserved.

But I'm not. I'm broken. My mind is broken, my identity is broken. My emotions are raw and I just. can't. control them anymore. Sometimes I'm rocking and crying on the floor, sometimes I'm shaking. I feel as if there's a man in the room with a gun and somehow I just have to ignore him and pretend everything is normal. I panic, I struggle to get out of bed. I feel like I can't trust my mind. My very thoughts, emotions and actions are sometimes beyond control and I don't even know why.

I have PTSD.

I'm writing this because of a conversation I had with a friend today around mental health. We discussed how sharing a story helps others talk about their own struggles: how so many people, when they feel safe enough, express feelings of isolation, of loneliness.

So I'm writing this. Because despite what you see, what you might think you see, I'm broken too. Maybe we all are. Like you, I feel alone and afraid. At the moment, the thing that I'm most afraid of is that I won't be accepted for who I really am.

I'm scared of rejection, but I don't want pity. I don't want to be "saved". I want to be loved for who I am right now and to still be considered equal, in thought and ability.

But I'm scared, I've been hurt, I've seen others judged and hurt... so instead: I fight to control the mess, claw for perfection. I'm desperately trying to hold it together...

For 1 more minute, 1 more hour, 1 more day

Until I break again.

High Flying Wings

Last night's recording/songwriting was so fun I just had to record something else. This one is old (for me, new for you!) so it's a bit more together than most of the stuff I post. Still don't know a thing about actually recording though. :P


High Flying Wings

No more trouble O Lord
No more heavy load

And no disrespect but I'd like to collect
on that glory reward that's coming to to me:
A pair of high flying wings

I just don't fit these clothes
Shoes got to tight on me
And I don't like the road
It got too dark to see

And I don't mean to offend
But I'd like to contend
Been pushed down to long
I got to put on:
A pair of high flying wings

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound
That sang of glories to come
I once was lost (O how lost I was) but how profound
The shining road into the sun

And no disrespect but I'd like to collect
Don't mean to offend but I got to contend
Been pushed down to long
I need to put on:
A pair of high flying wings

And I'll fly away
(One glad morning when this life is gone)
When I die
Hallelujah, hallelujah bye and bye
I'll fly away

I will remain: A new song about loving in hard times

I wrote this tonight. As usual, it's rough and the recording is lousy mostly because I barely know how to do it... :) Still like it though.

I Will Remain

A love like this: heart broken all the time
Don't think I would have wanted this, had I known in time
Far before the first kiss, I knew you were mine
To bleed for you all my days, alive and dying

But I will remain, whatever the cost
I need this pain, couldn't stand the loss
Whatever it takes, for you my love
A heart that breaks, over a heart of rock

O it's more than I can do to change to change my ways
Be the woman of your desire and close the space
Between the things we don't do, what we never say
No kiss, no touch, no 'I love you', no long embrace

But I will remain, whatever the cost
I need this pain, can't stand the loss
Whatever it takes, for you my love
A heart that breaks, over a heart of rock

But I will remain, whatever the cost
I need this pain, couldn't stand the loss
I've lifted you high, I know I should not
My blood, the love, the rhythm of my broken heart
My blood, the love, the rhythm of my broken heart

A love like this: heart broken all the time
Don't think I would have wanted this, had I known in time
Far before the first kiss, I knew you were mine
To bleed for you all my days, alive and dying

Helliwell Park, Hornby Island

O the tumbling sea,

the broken rocky shore

Stole my heart from thee,

you’ll find my love no more

But upon high cliffs,

among yellow grassy weeds

Grind my bones to dust,

let the wind carry me

Watch me dance as I rise

over the land that I love

Leave the toil of man

and the ash of his greed

Bind my soul to those

who loved this land before

When I bleed life free

on the ocean shore.

-CJ

Superhero

Have you ever felt that there was something big inside of you that you could just barely contain? You know that you shouldn't let it out- you know that you'll be misunderstood and harshly judged, that this thing might even be destructive... shattering your orderly life as you know it; but in the end it escapes, rushing out with a flood of passion and tears that you're not sure you would want to hold back even if you could. That thing that is uniquely you- that thing that is your power, that should not and cannot be denied...

Consequently, the Hulk is my absolute favorite superhero of all time. Ever. Hands down, the best.

And Spiderman... I'd also like to stick to things. :)

Beautiful Expression

Someone told me the other day that the people who go truly, totally crazy, are actually the ones who deny themselves expression.

Hmm... let me try and say that another way.

Don't be afraid of anger, sadness, or bitterness. These creatures are all parts of you that are good. They are protectors of your true self, the beautiful you. Embrace your protectors and love them, explore the pain and listen to your anger.

And once your protectors don't feel like they have to work up such a tizzy to get you to pay attention, they back off, and the real you gets to come through.

So I've heard. I mean... there's sooo much more to it, but expression is a good start.

And it feels right.

And the point of this is to say, I'm not going to call myself crazy anymore. Maybe just beautiful.

That's right, I have a beautiful beautiful brain, full of exhausting, abstract, busy, distracted expression.

And maybe I can find some more balance with some more counseling. :P

But in the meantime...

LOOK!

I taught myself how to can! Hahahaha! You didn't see that one coming did you?

Hot pepper jelly, cilantro salsa, garden grape mint jelly, dill pickles, plum jam, peaches and blueberry jam.

:D I'm very proud.

This brain... so freaking ah...

Grrrr. Here's a picture of anger.

Now go make stuff, my darlings. It's good for you.

I'M going to bed.